What is a Good Man?
Am I a bad husband? Am I a poor father? What am I doing wrong and how do I get this right? These are the thoughts that have enveloped my mind for months recently. I lay awake at night going over the things I feel I should know that I was never taught. And I’m afraid of failing at this.
I only had me to worry about for the longest time, and to be honest, I didn’t do much worrying. I was a hard-charging country boy. I’d go out and build fence till 5 pm and then head on over to the local bar and catch a buzz with the old heads till around 8pm. I’d stay when they left, and party with the younger crowd till the early morning. It turned into a repeat process all week long. Any kind of cuss word, you name it, I said it on the regular. I took girls home, got into fights, busted up my truck. I was a loner. It was fun…it was miserable.
Ok so I met a girl. This woman made me want something I had given up trying to find. I gave up that life, dated her, married her. We’re happy. Along comes the baby girl. And now I’m in it.
I’m in what I watched my father do. I’m living what my grandpa told stories about. And boy do I love it! I mean, fellas, being a Dad is something they can’t describe the feeling of in porch talks, letters, or seminars. You can’t know what it feels like until you’ve got one. I’m in heaven.
But I’m still that country boy that wasted all his early twenties. I’m still ole boy that partied rather than prepared. Now I sit here as I’m pouring a cup of coffee for the third time in my shift realizing, “I don’t know how to do this!” And I’m not talking about providing financially. I’ll bust my tail till I drop. My family will not go hungry. No, I’m talking about leading my girls. I’m talking about being the good man of my household and doing it the right way.
“Well listen to your folks!” you might say, “surely they’ve got counsel on this!” I get that response, but many like me didn’t grow up with good examples of how to do this. I watched my dad do it with a full house, and he failed miserably. Nearly 30 years down the line and not a one of his kids can stand him, and the reasons are beyond merited. My grandfather likewise fell short by a landslide and reaps the fruits of his neglect on the daily.
I’ve spent the last year examining both these men from a distance, contemplating on and learning what NOT to do. Both men started out as optimistic and gung-ho as me, and yet the end was the same; heart-turning misery and defeat. You can imagine my worry when looking at my own venture, anxious over the fact that history may repeat itself.
So what if I work my hands away? My dad did that! So what if I buy a house and my daughter a car? My grandpa did that! Everything I’ve ever heard in my life is “get up son, put your back into it! Don’t never let no man say you are a poor worker. You want to be a leader? Start now.” And I resonate with that, Papaw! But CLEARLY, life is more than that because ya’ll are still sad, wishing you could try again, wishing you could do it different. I WANT TO KNOW HOW! And the saddest part of it is, I truly believe just based on watching them that they really don’t know how.
I’ve noticed a similarity between these two men and the way they raised their families. Neither one had any presence of God or a center of guidance for themselves. I think they were a lot like me. They began it, and they didn’t know how to do it. They didn’t know how to lead their families emotionally and spiritually. The difference between me and them is I am going to figure out how to do this.
And why? Why is this hitting me so hard? Because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of my wife feeling the need to carry the load of nurturing my daughter’s character. I’m afraid of my wife realizing she can’t look to me when she needs a leader because I haven’t figured out how to do it or just am entirely incapable. I’m afraid of my daughter growing up and looking at me with a shrug of her shoulders because “Daddy never was there for me when I REALLY needed him, when I was hurting and crying inside. I couldn’t go to my Daddy with things because all he would do is look down on me for what I did. I couldn’t look to my Daddy for anything but gas money.”
I am in a stage of life that I get only one shot at. And everything relies on my ability to do this right. Money is easy. But no one ever taught me how to hold the hearts of my wife and daughter for the next 60 years. I want to know!
With how much this consumes me, I'm convinced I'm not the only one out there going through this. I refuse to spend the little money I have on a therapist or anything of that sort because I just don't feel comfortable with it. I can't talk to anyone I know about this because, if I'm being perfectly honest, sharing struggles with folks I'm familiar with has never turned out well in the long run. But I believe I've found a way...
I'm committing my efforts as I go through this journey to learn just what a good husband and father is. This may be through learning from shared experiences, studying the words of wise men before my time, or learning from hard lessons. Regardless, this is my mission. I will not become the men my father and grandfather settled to be. I will not neglect my responsibility to be an effective leader of my family. Today is the day I begin my education. If you want to learn this with me as well, I would love the company.
The Young Father
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